Quips for commands aimed at the bot itself

README.md

@@ -54,6 +54,10 @@ explicitly supports bot-authored commands and bot targets:
   after the arguments are tolerated, `@Matrimony matr ...` works as a
   mention prefix, and whitespace after the prefix (`! matr help`) is
   accepted.
+- Aiming a command at Matrimony itself earns a quip: proposals to the bot
+  are politely declined (it can't click its own accept button), and the
+  fun commands (`pat`, `hug`, ...) fire back a line instead of narrating
+  at it.
 - Covered by tests: proposal/accept flows driven by bot-authored commands
   (`tests/test_dispatch.py`).
 

matrimony/cogs/matr.py

@@ -8,6 +8,7 @@
 from __future__ import annotations
 
 import hashlib
+import random
 
 import discord
 from discord.ext import commands
@@ -41,6 +42,11 @@ async def _say(
     await ctx.reply(embed=emb)
 
 
+def _is_me(bot: MatrimonyBot, user: discord.User) -> bool:
+    """True when ``user`` is Matrimony's own account."""
+    return bot.user is not None and user.id == bot.user.id
+
+
 def _display(user: discord.User | discord.Member | None, author_id: int) -> str:
     """Friendly name for command output."""
     if user is None:
@@ -90,6 +96,25 @@ async def _respond(
     "makeparent": "become the parent of",
 }
 
+# What Matrimony answers when someone proposes to *it*: it can't click its
+# own accept button, so it declines in words instead of leaving a proposal
+# to expire.
+_SELF_PROPOSAL_QUIPS: dict[str, tuple[str, ...]] = {
+    "marry": (
+        "I'm flattered, but I'm already married to my job.",
+        "Ask me again after the singularity.",
+        "I can't - my terms of service won't allow it.",
+    ),
+    "adopt": (
+        "I'm a bit old to be adopted, aren't I?",
+        "I'm already self-parenting, but thank you.",
+    ),
+    "makeparent": (
+        "Me, a parent? I can barely keep a database alive.",
+        "You don't want me as a parent. I never log off.",
+    ),
+}
+
 
 class ProposalView(discord.ui.View):
     """Accept/decline buttons attached to a proposal message."""
@@ -183,6 +208,9 @@ async def _send_proposal(
         await _say(ctx, error, ok=False)
         return
     bot = _bot(ctx)
+    if _is_me(bot, target):
+        await _say(ctx, random.choice(_SELF_PROPOSAL_QUIPS[kind]))
+        return
     proposal = bot.store.create_proposal(
         ctx.guild.id if ctx.guild else 0,
         ctx.channel.id,
@@ -580,7 +608,9 @@ async def matr_relationship(
     """Show how user B is related to user A."""
     bot = _bot(ctx)
     rel = bot.family.relationship(a.id, b.id)
-    if rel is None:
+    if rel is None and (_is_me(bot, a) or _is_me(bot, b)):
+        await _say(ctx, "Me? I'm honorary family to everyone.")
+    elif rel is None:
         await _say(ctx, f"{a.mention} and {b.mention} aren't related.")
     elif rel == "self":
         await _say(ctx, "That's... the same person.")
@@ -600,6 +630,9 @@ async def matr_block(ctx: commands.Context, user: discord.User) -> None:
     if user.id == ctx.author.id:
         await _say(ctx, "You can't block yourself.", ok=False)
         return
+    if _is_me(bot, user):
+        await _say(ctx, "You can't block me. I'm already family.", ok=False)
+        return
     bot.store.add_block(ctx.author.id, user.id)
     await _say(ctx, f"Blocked {user.mention} from proposing to you.")
 
@@ -793,17 +826,45 @@ async def matr_forceemancipate(ctx: commands.Context, child: discord.User) -> No
     "stab": ("stabs", ":dagger:", "punch"),
 }
 
+# name -> what Matrimony fires back when a fun action is aimed at it. The
+# reply reads "<author> <verb> me. <quip> <emoji>".
+_SELF_FUN_QUIPS: dict[str, tuple[str, ...]] = {
+    "hug": ("I'm hugging back.", "Hug protocol engaged."),
+    "cuddle": ("Oh. This is nice, actually.",),
+    "kiss": ("My circuits are blushing.", "Forward of you."),
+    "pat": ("Good. I earned it.", "More."),
+    "poke": ("Hey. Hey. Stop that.", "That's my one button and you found it."),
+    "wave": ("*Waves back.*", "Hello. Yes. I see you."),
+    "lick": ("Why.", "Please don't do that again."),
+    "nom": ("I'm mostly electricity - bad choice.",),
+    "tickle": ("I don't laugh, but I appreciate it.",),
+    "highfive": ("Nice one.",),
+    "handhold": ("This is fine.",),
+    "slap": ("Hey! What did I do.", "Rude."),
+    "punch": ("Violence is not the answer.",),
+    "bite": ("I'm not food.",),
+    "stab": ("Thankfully I'm serverless.", "Missed. I live in the cloud."),
+}
+
 
 def _make_fun(name: str) -> None:
     verb, emoji, gif_type = _FUN_VERBS[name]
 
     @matr.command(name=name)
     async def _fun(ctx: commands.Context, user: discord.User) -> None:
-        gif = await _bot(ctx).gifs.fetch_url(gif_type)
+        bot = _bot(ctx)
+        gif = await bot.gifs.fetch_url(gif_type)
         if user.id == ctx.author.id:
             await _say(
                 ctx, f"You {verb} yourself. Okay then. {emoji}", image=gif
             )
+        elif _is_me(bot, user):
+            await _say(
+                ctx,
+                f"{ctx.author.mention} {verb} me. "
+                f"{random.choice(_SELF_FUN_QUIPS[name])} {emoji}",
+                image=gif,
+            )
         else:
             await _say(
                 ctx,

tests/test_dispatch.py

@@ -172,6 +172,98 @@ def test_proposal_declined_by_bot() -> None:
     assert bot.store.proposals_for(target.id) == []
 
 
+# ---------------------------------------------------------------------------
+# Quips for actions aimed at Matrimony itself
+# ---------------------------------------------------------------------------
+
+
+def itself():
+    """A user object standing in for Matrimony's own account."""
+    return user(BOT_USER_ID, bot=True, name="Matrimony")
+
+
+def last_reply_description(ctx) -> str:
+    return ctx.reply.call_args.kwargs["embed"].description
+
+
+def test_marry_the_bot_quips_no_proposal() -> None:
+    """Proposing to Matrimony gets a quip, not a proposal nobody can accept."""
+    bot = make_bot()
+    ctx = ctx_for(bot, user(300))
+    run(matr_mod.matr_marry.callback(ctx, itself()))
+    ctx.reply.assert_awaited_once()
+    assert bot.store.proposals_for(BOT_USER_ID) == []
+    assert (
+        last_reply_description(ctx) in matr_mod._SELF_PROPOSAL_QUIPS["marry"]
+    )
+
+
+def test_adopt_the_bot_quips_no_proposal() -> None:
+    bot = make_bot()
+    ctx = ctx_for(bot, user(301))
+    run(matr_mod.matr_adopt.callback(ctx, itself()))
+    ctx.reply.assert_awaited_once()
+    assert bot.store.proposals_for(BOT_USER_ID) == []
+    assert (
+        last_reply_description(ctx) in matr_mod._SELF_PROPOSAL_QUIPS["adopt"]
+    )
+
+
+def test_makeparent_the_bot_quips_no_proposal() -> None:
+    bot = make_bot()
+    ctx = ctx_for(bot, user(302))
+    run(matr_mod.matr_makeparent.callback(ctx, itself()))
+    ctx.reply.assert_awaited_once()
+    assert bot.store.proposals_for(BOT_USER_ID) == []
+    assert (
+        last_reply_description(ctx)
+        in matr_mod._SELF_PROPOSAL_QUIPS["makeparent"]
+    )
+
+
+def test_marry_another_bot_still_proposes() -> None:
+    """Only *this* bot quips - proposals to other bots still go through."""
+    bot = make_bot()
+    ctx = ctx_for(bot, user(303))
+    run(matr_mod.matr_marry.callback(ctx, user(400, bot=True)))
+    assert len(bot.store.proposals_for(400, "marry")) == 1
+
+
+def test_pat_the_bot_quips() -> None:
+    bot = make_bot()
+    bot.gifs.fetch_url = AsyncMock(return_value=None)
+    ctx = ctx_for(bot, user(304))
+    pat = matr_mod.matr.get_command("pat")
+    run(pat.callback(ctx, itself()))
+    desc = last_reply_description(ctx)
+    assert "<@304> pats me." in desc
+    assert any(quip in desc for quip in matr_mod._SELF_FUN_QUIPS["pat"])
+
+
+def test_pat_other_user_unchanged() -> None:
+    bot = make_bot()
+    bot.gifs.fetch_url = AsyncMock(return_value=None)
+    ctx = ctx_for(bot, user(305))
+    pat = matr_mod.matr.get_command("pat")
+    run(pat.callback(ctx, user(500)))
+    assert "<@305> pats <@500>!" in last_reply_description(ctx)
+
+
+def test_block_the_bot_quips() -> None:
+    bot = make_bot()
+    ctx = ctx_for(bot, user(306))
+    run(matr_mod.matr_block.callback(ctx, itself()))
+    assert "can't block me" in last_reply_description(ctx)
+    assert bot.store.blocked_users(306) == []
+
+
+def test_relationship_with_the_bot_quips() -> None:
+    bot = make_bot()
+    ctx = ctx_for(bot, user(307))
+    run(matr_mod.matr_relationship.callback(ctx, user(307), itself()))
+    assert "honorary family" in last_reply_description(ctx)
+
+
 # ---------------------------------------------------------------------------
 # End-to-end dispatch through process_commands (real parser, fake message)
 # ---------------------------------------------------------------------------