Easter egg: bot denies all paternity suits

README.md

@@ -35,6 +35,9 @@ All commands live under one group, `matr`, invoked with a per-guild prefix
   each with a random SFW anime GIF via the
   [Fluxpoint API](https://docs.fluxpoint.dev/api/endpoints/sfw-anime-gifs)
   (like the original MarriageBot).
+- **Easter egg** — accuse the bot of fathering your child (pregnancy,
+  paternity, child support...) and it will deny everything, citing its
+  empty `children` list.
 - **Meta** — `info`, `invite`, `stats`, `help`.
 
 ## Bot accounts are first-class

matrimony/cogs/matr.py

@@ -8,6 +8,8 @@
 from __future__ import annotations
 
 import hashlib
+import random
+import re
 
 import discord
 from discord.ext import commands
@@ -832,6 +834,61 @@ async def matr_ship(
     )
 
 
+# ---------------------------------------------------------------------------
+# Easter egg: paternity denials
+# ---------------------------------------------------------------------------
+
+# An accusation needs BOTH a bot reference (a mention, "matrimony", or the
+# word "bot") and a paternity keyword, so ordinary chatter about kids or
+# child support doesn't set it off.
+_BOT_REFERENCE_RE = re.compile(r"\b(?:matrimony|bot)\b", re.IGNORECASE)
+_PATERNITY_RE = re.compile(
+    r"pregnan|impregnat|paternit|child[ -]?support|baby[ -]?(daddy|mama)|"
+    r"father of my|knocked (me|her|you) up",
+    re.IGNORECASE,
+)
+
+_PATERNITY_QUIPS = (
+    "I'm a bot. The only thing I can father is a stack trace.",
+    "Child support? I run on a VPS that costs less than a sandwich.",
+    "I wasn't born, I was `pip install`-ed. Take it up with PyPI.",
+    "The paternity test came back: `01001110 01101111`.",
+    "Impossible. My love language is JSON.",
+    "Please direct all paternity suits to my legal team: a `try`/`except` "
+    "block.",
+    "My `{prefix}{cmd} children` list is empty. Case closed.",
+)
+
+
+def _paternity_accusation(content: str, bot_user_id: int | None) -> bool:
+    """Whether ``content`` accuses this bot of fathering a child."""
+    if not _PATERNITY_RE.search(content):
+        return False
+    if _BOT_REFERENCE_RE.search(content):
+        return True
+    return bot_user_id is not None and (
+        f"<@{bot_user_id}>" in content or f"<@!{bot_user_id}>" in content
+    )
+
+
+async def _maybe_paternity_quip(
+    bot: MatrimonyBot, message: discord.Message
+) -> None:
+    """Reply with a random denial when someone accuses the bot of fatherhood."""
+    if not bot.should_process(message):
+        return
+    bot_id = bot.user.id if bot.user is not None else None
+    if not _paternity_accusation(message.content, bot_id):
+        return
+    prefix = bot.config.default_prefix
+    if message.guild is not None:
+        prefix = bot.store.get_prefix(message.guild.id) or prefix
+    quip = random.choice(_PATERNITY_QUIPS).format(
+        prefix=prefix, cmd=bot.config.command_name
+    )
+    await message.reply(embed=_embed(quip))
+
+
 # ---------------------------------------------------------------------------
 # Meta
 # ---------------------------------------------------------------------------
@@ -905,6 +962,11 @@ def __init__(self, bot: MatrimonyBot) -> None:
         matr.name = bot.config.command_name
         bot.add_command(matr)
 
+    @commands.Cog.listener()
+    async def on_message(self, message: discord.Message) -> None:
+        """Easter egg: the bot denies all paternity suits."""
+        await _maybe_paternity_quip(self.bot, message)
+
     @commands.Cog.listener()
     async def on_command_error(
         self, ctx: commands.Context, error: commands.CommandError

tests/test_quips.py

@@ -0,0 +1,130 @@
+"""Tests for the paternity-denial Easter egg: detection rules and the
+reply behaviour of the ``on_message`` listener helper."""
+
+import asyncio
+from types import SimpleNamespace
+from unittest.mock import AsyncMock
+
+from matrimony.bot import MatrimonyBot
+from matrimony.cogs import matr as matr_mod
+from matrimony.cogs.matr import MatrCog
+from matrimony.config import Config
+
+BOT_USER_ID = 999999
+
+
+def make_bot() -> MatrimonyBot:
+    bot = MatrimonyBot(Config(database_path=":memory:"))
+    MatrCog(bot)
+    # Pretend we're logged in as this user id
+    bot._connection.user = SimpleNamespace(id=BOT_USER_ID)  # type: ignore[attr-defined]
+    return bot
+
+
+def user(uid: int, *, bot: bool = False):
+    return SimpleNamespace(
+        id=uid,
+        bot=bot,
+        name=f"user{uid}",
+        display_name=f"user{uid}",
+        mention=f"<@{uid}>",
+    )
+
+
+def message(author, content: str, guild=None):
+    return SimpleNamespace(
+        author=author,
+        content=content,
+        guild=guild,
+        reply=AsyncMock(),
+    )
+
+
+def run(coro):
+    return asyncio.get_event_loop_policy().new_event_loop().run_until_complete(coro)
+
+
+# ---------------------------------------------------------------------------
+# Accusation detection
+# ---------------------------------------------------------------------------
+
+
+def test_detects_paternity_accusations() -> None:
+    """Claims that the bot fathered a child must trigger the quip."""
+    cases = [
+        f"<@{BOT_USER_ID}> got me pregnant",
+        f"<@!{BOT_USER_ID}> got me pregnant",
+        "@Matrimony is the father of my child",
+        "the bot impregnated me, i swear",
+        "does the bot pay child support??",
+        "MATRIMONY IS MY BABY DADDY",
+        "bot paternity test when",
+        "the bot knocked me up",
+    ]
+    for text in cases:
+        assert matr_mod._paternity_accusation(text, BOT_USER_ID), text
+
+
+def test_ignores_non_accusations() -> None:
+    """Needs BOTH a bot reference and a paternity keyword."""
+    cases = [
+        "i'm pregnant!!!",  # keyword but no bot reference
+        "the bot is my friend",  # bot reference but no keyword
+        "child support laws are confusing",  # keyword but no bot reference
+        "my cat is the baby daddy",  # no bot reference
+        "<@12345> got me pregnant",  # mentioning a DIFFERENT user
+        "!matr adopt @someone",
+        "just chatting",
+    ]
+    for text in cases:
+        assert not matr_mod._paternity_accusation(text, BOT_USER_ID), text
+
+
+# ---------------------------------------------------------------------------
+# Reply behaviour
+# ---------------------------------------------------------------------------
+
+
+def test_easter_egg_replies_to_accusation() -> None:
+    bot = make_bot()
+    msg = message(user(1), f"<@{BOT_USER_ID}> you got me pregnant")
+    run(matr_mod._maybe_paternity_quip(bot, msg))
+    msg.reply.assert_awaited_once()
+    embed = msg.reply.await_args.kwargs["embed"]
+    # Whatever quip was picked, it must be one of ours (with the prefix
+    # and command name filled in).
+    filled = {
+        q.format(prefix="!", cmd=bot.config.command_name)
+        for q in matr_mod._PATERNITY_QUIPS
+    }
+    assert embed.description in filled
+
+
+def test_easter_egg_uses_guild_prefix_in_quip() -> None:
+    """The `children` quip cites the guild's configured prefix."""
+    bot = make_bot()
+    bot.store.set_prefix(42, "?")
+    guild = SimpleNamespace(id=42)
+    msg = message(user(1), "the bot got me pregnant", guild=guild)
+    run(matr_mod._maybe_paternity_quip(bot, msg))
+    embed = msg.reply.await_args.kwargs["embed"]
+    filled = {
+        q.format(prefix="?", cmd=bot.config.command_name)
+        for q in matr_mod._PATERNITY_QUIPS
+    }
+    assert embed.description in filled
+
+
+def test_easter_egg_ignores_normal_messages() -> None:
+    bot = make_bot()
+    msg = message(user(1), "just chatting")
+    run(matr_mod._maybe_paternity_quip(bot, msg))
+    msg.reply.assert_not_awaited()
+
+
+def test_easter_egg_skips_own_messages() -> None:
+    """The self-loop guard applies to the Easter egg too."""
+    bot = make_bot()
+    msg = message(user(BOT_USER_ID, bot=True), "the bot got me pregnant")
+    run(matr_mod._maybe_paternity_quip(bot, msg))
+    msg.reply.assert_not_awaited()